What's stopping me? I've been good today... but when people really want to lose weight they go at it hardcore... they start counting calories, eating muesli, jenny craig, join the gym, protein shakes... People that are really determined to shed the kilos do all these things to ensure that they have a plan and fuckin stick with it! What the fuck am I doing? I mean, I am slowly losing kilos by changing my diet... but a) it's slow and b) am I changing it that much anyways?
I mean, we still eat the same crap... I just don't eat it with chips or I eat it with less rice or pasta or something. I should be making some DRASTIC changes. I should be having protein shakes and vegetable stir-frys and shit that is actually GOOD for me... not eating just the stuff that isn't BAD.
And exercise... why the fuck didn't I join the gym when I could afford it? Why?
After a reasonable amount of soul searching... I think the reason I don't want to change too much or do all these things that much is that I'm scared.
I'm scared of what will happen if I fail? I'm scared of what will happen if I succeed? Will I be a different person?
I also think I haven't commited to myself properly. There's that whole "You need to love yourself" thing that I have trouble with. I mean, I don't hate myself... don't get me wrong. But I am VERY far from comfortable with myself - and I've never been comfortable with myself.
I've never been the type of person who enjoys going out to pubs or nightclubs... I always had an excuse to not go out too. I don't wanna go to a straight club... I hate the music (I have taste)... It's too crowded... I have to do something in the morning... I hate being around drunk people...
It was all bullshit excuses to not go. (SORRY to all those people that kept trying to convince me to go out over the years). The real problem with going out to nightclubs is... people can see me.
And that's the problem with everything else too. I didn't join the gym cos people would see me. I don't go out because people would see me. I've let my friends drift away from me... people that have meant a lot to me... People that wanted the best for me and tried to encourage me and be supportive and a lot of the time I've rejected that encouragement and support because it seemed too hard for me to do.. and it would mean I couldn't hide in my shell at home.
So, now, I go to work - a call centre, which lends itself well to people that like to hide. We're not in the general public. People don't walk in off the street. I feel safe there... and I feel safe at home with David who makes me feel safe and loved and charming and funny and attractive. And those are the most special feelings to have. And I feel so 'safe' at home with him... that I've let so many other things, opportunities and people fall away... I've built myself a protective barrier so as not to get hurt by the idle insults of the general public and to shield myself away. I don't have to put myself out there and risk being rejected or failing because I'm padded here.
I would love to go to school and study psychology... but what if I'm too dumb?
I would love to go into business with my brother and open a shop... but what if we fail?
I would love to go on my big adventure holiday... but what if I get on the plane and the seats are too small.. and will I actually do anything... I want to be involved and adventurous and explore, not sit in my air-conditioned car and watch San Francisco from the safety of my car. I want to wander the streets, drink coffee, meet people... But, would I do it? I don't do it here, what makes me think I would do it there?
And in my head... all these things are do-able if I was thin... In my head, I would be a better student if I wasn't so fat. I would have a better holiday if I was thin and attractive... I would Which is all rubbish... I need to live like I love myself and maybe then I will...
So I need to learn to be comfortable with myself as I am now... I need to convince myself that being thinner (or less fat) is not going to change me psychologically. If I am the kind of person that is unhappy with myself and so comfortable in my shell with that unhappiness, then being thin just means I will take up less space in my shell. It's my mind and my personality and ME as a person that is on display to everyone and I am friendly and compassionate and reasonable and responsible for my own actions and I need to take control of my life and be a better man for my own sake... and to hell with the effects on other people's lives. I need to do this for myself and get over the fear and commit to being a healthier, happier Garry!
Oh God...
Gazzy
3 comments:
all I can say is Wow, I think you basically said what most of us dont say but feel, no matter what size everyone at some stage feels that way.I think u r terrific and u will achieve all ur goals, so it might take longer..does that really matter? a gym membership and jenny craig arent a magic fix, u have friends that will exercise and walk with u without all that extra expense...there are a holes out there judging people all the time just remember if they are so low as to judge u there must be somthing very lacking in their sad little lives..the important people will stand by and support u no matter what, take ur holiday and if ur with ur partner how can u not have a good time with the way he makes u feel, so u open a business it fails what have u lost...u tried more than most of us do, failure means learning and then u move on and next time its better for having had the experience.I think u r one hell of a guy and to be open and do what u r doing on this blog takes gutz so u have more than u think u have
De xxxx
Gaz :-( Wish I could come over there and give you a hug!
Everything De said I say and they are so right in the bit where it doesn't matter waht size you are, everyone does feel that way at some time! God I feel that way most of the time but you just suck it up, get out there and do the things you want to do. You are who you are, you can't live your life to please other people but you do gotta make yourself happy! So we try things, we succeed at some but we fail at others, you just have to pick yourself up and say 'well at least I tried'! I think you really really should go and study psychology. Do it now and we can support each other through uni, even tho they will be different courses and uni's we can still be a phone call away from each other when we are ready to just give up coz it all seems to hard!!!
Can't wait to see you next week, mmmmm lunch (salad) and COFFEE (light milk)....mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Love Meagz
PS. My cat is pissing me off right at this minute :-)
De and Meagz.. you two are such wonderful people. You both, on more than one occasion, have just been the most supportive and understanding people I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.
De... you're totally right that I need to do things and not stress so much about the outcomes. And if I can just believe in myself, I will succeed and if I don't.. lesson learned and move on. And thank you for you awesome kind words and you're not so bad yourself, you know! You are friendly, down to earth and compassionate and I appreciate knowing you.
Meagz... I don't know why it took so long for us to meet! 4 years of David and his brothers... and THEN I meet you! I guess I had to live through the storm to get to the sunshine! You've just been amazing and so helpful and so inspiring and I'm so grateful that you've been reading and following and really care...
So thank you both!! So very much!
And, Meagz... you're cat is pissing you off cos it's a stupid cat! lol...
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