Obviously, these are not pictures of what I ate... I've been feeling a bit emo lately...
I guess I'm having trouble focusing on my weight loss goals the last few days because I have other things on my mind. The bigger questions. What does the future hold? I don't know the answer and no one really does. I always thought by the time I got to this age, there would be some sort of something happening. I guess I always looked at what could happen far off along the track and didn't think much about the path I needed to make to get there. Because of this lack of planning, sometimes I feel like I'm still at the beginning... and I guess I kinda am.
When I was a younger I guess I thought that good things happen to good people and I always try to be a good person and don't really focus on what I need to do to make things happen for myself. This younger me always thought that doors would open and the path would be mostly easy and my personal measures of success would be met. Now I feel the age of thirty approaching and I'm thinking of what I have done, what I could have done and what I have sacrificed, let go of or greedily held onto. And when I start to tally the 'have done' with the 'could have done' I find the 'could have done' list greatly outweighs the 'have done'. And that is a little depressing.
So what do you do about it? What changes can I make to my life now that will fix the broken Yellow Brick Road and lead me to the Emerald City? What decisions can I make that will allow me to go home to Texas and not leave me stranded in Oz. (What is it about Gay People and The Wizard of Oz? - I think I might watch it again!)
I guess things don't always turn out the way we imagine. I get that. And I'm not ungrateful for all the chances I've had, the people I've met, the experience I've shared and kept to myself. My life may not be the excitement and ease that I always thought was possible, but it is my life. And most the time, I enjoy it and I cherish it and I hope there are many more years of it. But, I just feel the need for change. I feel the need for something more... And don't know how to go about it or where to begin.. And I'm reluctant to risk, because my life is alright... And I don't really know what it is that I want to change or need to change...
I've written before about the fear of doing things and I guess that is a large part of it. What if the decision I make is the wrong one and things get harder not better? Is the hope for something better worth the risk of losing the good things you already have? Can I handle it if the world crumbles around me? I guess when I've answer Those Three Questions, then the decision will be easy. I guess it's a matter of taking a stand, having faith in yourself and leaping!
I need time... Time to really understand where I am and where I want to be and how I get there. Because, believe it or not, I don't have Ruby Slippers in my closet...
Gazzy
1 comment:
Change is sceary stuff, its stepping into the un known and being vounrable....
My thing is just plodding along and doing my best and if i know im doing my honest to god best thats good enough for me.
No one is perfect and no one should pretend to be as such.
You need to work out what you want in your future and what you want from life, maybe write it down on paper?
Life is confussing, im a bi sexual gal who married a straight man, have 3 children (1 with a moderate disability) a house and this isnt the way i thought my life would be. Its far from the "dream" i had in my mind but its what it is and sometimes you have to see the good :)
You will get there, give yourself time.
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