Success or Failure

I've been having a bad couple of days, diet wise. I'm struggling. Today I was just wanted to eat something... There's not much in the house at the moment... But I managed to make fairy bread. I know what you're thinking - because right after I ate it... I said to myself, "What the fuck was that about?"

I don't know. Maybe I just can't do this. My motivation has fluttered away... and I think back to when I first started back in June and I did that Leven Canyon walk... What happened? Now I'm sitting in front of the TV eating frickin' sugar on bread!

I know I need to stop this. I know I need to be healthier. I'm not going to stop trying because I can't - What's the alternative? Get fatter and fatter until I can't walk? That is not acceptable! I never thought it would be so hard to do this. People seem to eat well and exercise so easily - I knew it wouldn't be easy for me, I knew because of how large and unfit I had let myself get, that this would be more difficult. But it's so much harder than I thought.

So what can I do?

Well, I've been thinking.... Lap Band surgery. I know it 'sounds' drastic, but it's key-hole surgery... it's proven. I know people that have had this fitted and it works. It worries me. I didn't want to go that far. I really believe I could do this myself... and I think, maybe...

I honestly truly, don't know what to do now? David has been good with not having take away.. but I've still managed to put on weight. I've had my birthday with left over cake... my brother's birthday is tomorrow... so probably more cake... And Christmas is fast approaching.... So, I guess December's lost.

I've referred to this lifestyle change as a war against food... and lately food seems to be winning. And that sucks... How can food have such a impact on me?

I have a friend, who I haven't talked to in quite a while (which sucks, cos she's awesome) who is a hypnotherapist. I think in January I'm going to go visit her for a session and see if she can't knock the food addiction out of me. While she's in there, she might be able to get the smoking thing out as well.

I just thought I should share with you all how I'm feeling at the moment. I feel that every single day is a test and a challenge that I can't deal with... but I'm still working on it and I will keep trying.... And trying and trying...

Any ideas to help with motivation? Comment, please.

Gazzy