The new year was meant to be a motivator to get some shit done.. and so far, that motivation has come and gone faster than the speed of light.. Some days I'm on target, some days I don't give a fuck. And on the days I feel 'on target' I get so frustrated with myself about the day before. I must be schizophrenic.
I was planning on doing weight watchers - but lack of funds has prevented this for the time being. But I must be crazy because in my head.. If I do do exercise, if I go for a walk, that means I can eat some chocolate or have dessert or whatever. WHAT?!?!? Well, that's not gonna get me far.. So I need to work on the FOOD intake. I need to control and monitor everything that I'm eating. Which is easier said.. Which is why I wanted to do weight watchers. Rules, guidelines and a point system. That sounds good to me. Plus, the fact you have to weigh-in in front of people.. I share my weigh in's and stuff on the here.. but that's different.
But food is my issue and it always has been.. And I really NEED to control myself more... What's the best way to do that?? I dunno. I guess it's different for everyone.. Some people use Weight Watchers.. Some use Jenny Craig and just buy their food, some people use those meal replacement shakes with some success - until the stop. Some people just count calories, which I guess is kinda the same as weight watchers.. and then there are people like me.. That keep telling themselves they're going to do the right thing and struggle to actually get around to doing it...
I read somewhere the only thing that stops you from achieving something is Fear. And once you identify that fear and deal with it... You can achieve anything... So, what the fuck am I afraid of?? Ummm.. well, I don't really know.. Maybe that's my problem?
I've always been "plus-size" and I guess if I'm afraid of something it's that if I lost all my weight I wouldn't be me anymore. This might sound SO dumb.. but my size has always been a part of me and shaped how I act and how I do things. It's also been a defence mechanism.. I can't do that or do this because I'm fat.. Am I making any sense?? My weight is not just on my body... my weight has helped me put up some shields. I never used to go out to nightclubs or whatever when my friends did, I never talked to that cute guy at the gay social thing when I was younger, I never applied for that job because people would see me. My weight helped me isolate and protect myself from the outside world.. and I think if I lost the weight, I might be forced to join society. And I wouldn't know how to do that anymore. Is this making any sense at all??
We all get into our own ruts.. our lives are what we make of them.. and for 28 years I've been the fat-friendly-gay-guy. He doesn't socialise much, but he seems nice and always smiles and has something nice to say..
My self identity is partly tied into being plus-size. It's not just the actual fat itself, when I think of myself as a person I think of myself as that FAT-friendly-gay-guy.. and it's kinda inseparable from the rest of my identity. I guess losing the weight would be like chopping off a leg.. I wouldn't recognise myself and would I be the same person??
Wowsers.. this is what happens when I just type what I'm thinking...
I just read that back to myself.. and I guess that makes sense. I'd never thought about it like that until I started writing.. but, that makes sense to me. And that's kinda depressing...
Sorry to get so emo on you all, but it honestly was an accidentally emo moment.
But to lighten the mood... here's the next 'Gazzy in Tazzy @ the Movies' webisode. Sorry for the delay on this one folks, but I hope you enjoy..
Gazzy.
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